I have been in the educational leadership space now for 21 years. During that time I have digested a lot of books and articles on management and leadership. There is a lot of this wisdom that I incorporate into my daily activities. There is one piece of advice though that has left a lasting impact on me.

It has been quoted and referred to many times since it first appeared but the original article of “Who’s Got The Monkey?” was first published in the Harvard Business Review in 1974 and reviewed more recently by William Oncken, Jr and Donald L Wass. This article has been one of the HBR’s best-selling reprints ever!

In this article, the “monkey” is a metaphor for a task, problem, or responsibility. The authors talk about how managers often get swamped because they end up taking on their team members’ monkeys instead of letting them handle their own. The key takeaway? The monkey should stay with the right person—the one who’s supposed to be taking care of it.

Now, let’s apply this to parenting. How often do we, as parents, swoop in and take the monkey off our child’s back? Maybe they forgot their homework, didn’t clean up their toys, or didn’t study for a test. Our first instinct is to step in and fix it for them—to rescue them from their own mistakes. But when we do that, we’re taking their monkey and putting it on our own back.

Why Do We Take the Monkey?

1. It’s easier to do it ourselves.

We’ve got more experience, so what might be a daunting task for our kids is a quick fix for us. Sure, it’s faster to tie their laces for them, but if we don’t teach them, we’ll be tying those laces forever.

2. We don’t want our kids to struggle.

We love our kids and naturally want to protect them from frustration or failure. But if we always take their monkeys, they miss out on learning how to handle challenges—and the joy that comes from overcoming them.

Why We Shouldn’t Take the Monkey

1. Short-term fixes can have long-term costs. It might seem like we’re saving time by handling our kids’ problems now, but in the long run, it creates more work for us and less growth for them.

2. Kids miss out on the joy of accomplishment. If we’re always solving their problems, our kids don’t get the chance to feel proud of their own achievements. They might develop a learned helplessness; relying on you or others to do everything for them.

3. It sets them up for a lifetime of passing the monkey. If kids learn that someone else will always handle their responsibilities, they’ll carry that expectation into adulthood. This could affect their performance in the workplace and in personal relationships.

How to Help Our Kids Keep Their Monkeys

1. Hold off on the rescue mission. When your child faces a challenge, pause before stepping in. Ask them what they think they should do, and let them work through the problem.

2. Make expectations clear. Just like in a job, kids need to know what’s expected of them and what the consequences are if they don’t follow through. And as parents, we need to be consistent in holding them accountable.

3. Be their guide, not their fixer. Offer advice and support, but let them solve the problem. If they forget their lunch, instead of rushing to bring it to them, talk about how they can remember it next time.

4. Celebrate their successes. When your child handles something on their own, even if it’s small, celebrate it! This reinforces the idea that being responsible is something to be proud of.

Who’s Got the Monkey in Your Family?

Teaching kids responsibility isn’t always easy, but it’s so important. By letting them keep their own monkeys, we’re helping them become independent and confident. Just like a good manager empowers their team, good parenting involves encouraging our kids to handle their own challenges.

So, next time your child faces a tricky situation, ask yourself: Who’s got the monkey? Let’s make sure it stays with the right person.

We’re all in this together, raising kids who can take on the world!

Mike Curtis, Principal