Your child comes home from school and seems fine. Later that evening, you discover there has been drama in a group chat. Someone posted an embarrassing photograph. A few children added laughing emojis. Someone wrote, “It’s just a joke.” Your child did not start it—but they joined in.

It is tempting to ask, “Why would you do that? You know better.”
And they probably do know better.
But understanding why otherwise kind children sometimes behave differently online is important if we want to help them make better choices next time.

Why screens make it harder

A comment can be typed in seconds without seeing its impact. A laughing emoji feels less confronting than laughing directly in someone’s face. A child can join a pile-on while sitting alone in their bedroom.

Technology also increases the pressure to respond quickly. Dr Kristy Goodwin explains that notifications are highly effective at capturing attention and activating reward and stress responses. That urgency can reduce the time children have to stop and reflect before responding.

This is why simply telling children to “be nice online” is not enough. They need strategies for what to do when kindness could cost them social approval.
Dr Goodwin describes parents as needing to be “the pilot of the digital plane.” Children may know more about the apps and games, but adults bring judgement, perspective and life experience. The goal is not to control every interaction, but to remain the trusted adult a child comes to when things go wrong.

What parents can actually do.

1. Start with curiosity, not interrogation
Instead of beginning with:
“What did you do?”
try:
“Tell me what was happening before this started.”
Ask:
“Who was everyone trying to impress?”
“Was anyone worried about being left out?”
“When did it stop feeling funny?”
“What made it difficult to say something?”

Understanding the pressure does not remove accountability. It helps you address the real issue.

2. Give them a simple pause strategy
Teach:
STOP – READ – IMAGINE – SEND
Stop: Don’t respond immediately.
Read: Read the message again.
Imagine: Picture the person receiving it.
Send: Only send it if you are comfortable with its impact.

For younger children, an even simpler test works:
“Would I say this standing in front of them?”

3. Give them words for the awkward moment
We often tell children to “stand up for others” without acknowledging how socially difficult that can be.
Practise simple responses such as:
“Leave it.”
“That’s getting a bit harsh.”
“Don’t send that around.”
“Come on guys.”
“I’m out.”

Not every child needs to deliver a brave speech. Refusing to add another laughing emoji, changing the subject or privately checking on the targeted child can all matter.
Australia’s eSafety Commissioner encourages children to act as upstanders by supporting people being targeted, refusing to participate and seeking adult help when needed.

4. Don’t make telling you the problem
If your child reports something online and your immediate response is to confiscate their device indefinitely, they may learn:
“Telling Mum or Dad makes things worse.”

eSafety cautions that immediately removing online access can sometimes intensify a child’s sense of exclusion when cyberbullying is already occurring.

Begin by listening. Preserve evidence if necessary. Block or report harmful behaviour. Then decide together what needs to happen next.
Boundaries may still be needed.
But help first, consequences second.

5. Ask about what happens to other children
Do not only ask whether your child is being bullied.
Try:
“Is there anyone in your group who gets picked on online?”
“Is there someone everyone jokes about?”
“Are there chats people are deliberately excluded from?”

Children may not call this cyberbullying. To them, it may simply feel like what everyone does.

That is exactly why parents need to keep talking about it.

6. Stay interested in their digital world
Occasionally sit beside your child and say:
“Show me what you guys actually do on here.”
Ask them to explain the game, the memes, the group chats and what counts as funny, embarrassing or rude in their world.
You do not need to become their online friend.
You do need enough visibility to remain their trusted adult.

Questions to ask this week
Try one of these in the car or around the dinner table:
“What happens in a group chat if someone doesn’t go along with everyone else?”
“What’s the difference between laughing with someone and everyone laughing at them?”
“If one of your friends was being picked on online, what could you realistically do?”
“If something went wrong online, what would make it easier—or harder—for you to tell us?”
That final question may be the most important one.
A Christian perspective
Jesus gives us a remarkably practical standard for digital behaviour:

“Do to others as you would have them do to you.” — Luke 6:31

The difficulty is that screens can make the other person easier to forget.
Behind every username is a person made in the image of God. Digital wisdom therefore means refusing to use someone else’s humiliation as entertainment, noticing the person others have stopped noticing, and having the courage to be kind when kindness may not be the most socially rewarding choice.
That is a much higher standard than “Don’t be mean online.”

It is learning to love our neighbour—even when our neighbour is on the other side of a screen.

Adrian Ford, Head of Primary