You know that feeling when you eat a large serving of chips or a huge stick of fairy floss? It tastes so good, and you gobble it up because it’s so moreish. You eat more than you should because you just need a little bit more. Teenagers live their lives more like this than we do, as they’re still learning the art of self-control. They need our help, and unfortunately, parenting is only hard when you ARE parenting. Teenagers have become the masters of managing mum and dad; they’ve spent their whole lives studying you and testing out their approaches to winning their battles, and they know your soft spots better than you. But you know better than they do what they need, and you love them so much you want them to succeed and not make mistakes that have long-term impacts. So, what do you do?
They are young people with the ability to reason and the desire to be respected and trusted. They will need help to take a bird’s eye view of where they’re heading, as often, in those pressured moments, they are focused only on what is happening in their ‘here and now.’ They need common sense spoken, and then they need you to withdraw to give them time to mull over what you have said; even when they speak back with their thoughts, be the adult and leave them. They do come around. A consequence that is measured and a little painful but still respectful of them as young people may be needed sometimes, too. And, don’t worry, they will give fighting words, such as, “I don’t care that I can’t do/have X.” are just that – fighting words, and it’s best to hold the line as the important part of this is that you have made a point.
What are the things they DO need? If you focus on these, the things you think they DON’T need will usually work out for themselves. They are, after all, great people!
Here are some big rock, agreed-on things you need to fight for:
Double dose of sleep – teenagers need this more than at any other phase of life. When you sleep, your brain sorts out things, and your body can grow well during this enormous period of growth and body change. The problem is that teenagers also have active brains and will delay going to bed, even during the holidays, so don’t let going to bed too late become normal. Hold the line with a bedtime that may be a little later but is still reasonable. Otherwise, all the day things that are needed for their health and well-being are hijacked as they are too tired and wake up too late to have the time to do these important things. Here is a good article on the benefits of sleep and strategies.
Vitamin Tree (credits go to Mr Kasselman for this phrase). All teenagers need to get outside every day for some time. It may be a game of shooting basketball hoops on the front drive, going to the beach, or taking the dog for a walk as their job if you need to mandate it.
Your friendship – as you hold the line with things, this can impact your parent-child relationship. Along with these, teenagers can be moody. They still want your friendship even though all the messages they are sending seem to be saying the opposite. Hold the line with at least one daily meal or snack together with no screens. Take them out, one on one, at least once a week. To help with connection, ask thoughtful, open-ended questions. Here are a few examples
- How are you really feeling lately?
- Is there anything you’ve been thinking a lot about?
- Do you feel supported in what you’re going through right now?
- What’s something you’d love to achieve this year/happy that you achieved this year?
- Where do you see yourself in five years?
- What’s a big goal you’re working toward/would like to work towards, even if it’s just a dream for now?
- If you could only eat one food forever, what would it be?
- What’s the first thing you’d do if you had unlimited money?
- Is there something you wish I understood better about you?
- Is there something you’ve wanted to talk about but didn’t know how to bring up?
- What’s something you’ve learned about yourself recently?
- If you could give advice to your younger self, what would it be?
- What do you think makes someone a good friend/partner/leader?
Enjoy this Christmas break and your precious teenagers! Two weeks ago, I held a brand-new grandchild. It seemed like I had blinked my eyes from holding my daughter as a baby to now holding her daughter.
Jacq Vreeling, Head of Middle School