Being assertive is a learned skill. Let’s be honest – it can be scary to take this risk, even for an adult, but more so for a child. It’s something our young people need to learn and practice. As parents and teachers, we need to teach this skill to our young people, help them practice it when it’s not scary, and honour and celebrate them when they do this – when it really counts!
I recently read of a teacher who had a small aquarium with a few fish in his classroom. One day, he left the room after taking one of the fish out of its bowl and placing it flopping on the ground. He told them they would be in a lot of trouble if anyone left their seat. All of the children sat and watched the fish, gasping for air but not wanting to leave their seats and get into trouble. Finally, one student sprang up, scooped up the fish, and placed it back in its bowl, refusing to watch it die.
When the teacher returned a little later, he told the class this was a lesson: that the fear of getting into trouble should never stop you from doing what’s right and that sometimes you may have to oppose what everyone else is expecting of you or telling you to do, or how people might think of you – to care for someone.
Compassionate assertiveness is not about asserting ‘my rights’ but about taking action to help others when things are not going as they should. It’s about showing concern for someone or something when you sense a problem.
Assertiveness is not to be equated with aggressiveness.
1. Lead by showing them how it’s done. For example, giving up your seat at the park or on the train, etc., for a younger child or older person, putting away a shopping trolley that was left in the wrong place, speaking up kindly but firmly when you see someone might need reminding to do the right thing (and then leaving it – you have done your job and now it’s up to them).
2. Help them navigate their sibling, cousin, and friend responses when bad choices are being made. Unfortunately, a rule of thumb that is true of children is that when one is going to make a wrong decision, they may not so easily do it; they’re still thinking of the consequences and will usually not go ahead, but when two or more are together their ability to make good choices is significantly reduced, it’s called the herd mentality. They can tend to be more focused on the thrill or fun rather than if it’s a wrong choice, and because they are all in on it, they tend to give each other permission to make the wrong choice. Helping young people listen to their gut feeling to separate themselves for a short time to take stock is a good idea. Then, helping them learn how to say kindly, ‘I don’t think we should do this,’ and even to speak without words (which is usually more powerful) by moving away from the situation – is helping them to act with compassionate assertiveness
3. Use teachable examples, such as when you see examples in a show or clip you are watching together or a personal situation you are aware of, either from your past or something that occurred recently; discuss and identify how a person did or didn’t show compassionate assertiveness, how it may have been challenging, how to deal with the different consequences, etc.
4. Use every opportunity to honour them when they have demonstrated this. Talk about how proud you are of them and the significant impact this has had on the situation, no matter how small. We can so often focus on the negatives. Look hard and search for these beautiful moments so you can acknowledge when they showed they were strong and compassionate.
At Glasshouse Christian College, we must work on all four strategies. I am so proud and thankful for the students who report concerns, show compassion and care for others, and “encourage one another, and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
Jacq Vreeling, Head of Middle School